Ruben Amorim indulges in 'loving' SLAPS as Man Utd training ...
Ruben Amorim has changed things at Manchester United; now training sessions have a touch of the old bondage…
Loving you…
The Ruben Amorim media love-in is officially over after the new Manchester United manager was caught performing repeated acts of violence on his players at training.
‘Ruben Amorim slaps Man Utd star in training and pushes another’ – Express.
Now you might be able to get away with that in Portugal, Ruben, but this is Manchester FFS.
Of course, this is Mediawatch, so you already know that claims that Amorim ‘got physical with his Man Utd players ahead of tonight’s Europa League clash against Bodo/Glimt’ are a right load of bollocks.
You know it was probably a joke. A jape. A right laugh.
Or, as the Express admit in their very first paragraph of that ‘Ruben Amorim slaps Man Utd star in training and pushes another’ story: ‘Ruben Amorim seemingly hosted a morale-boosting initiation for Manchester United’s recently injured players during yesterday’s training session.’
Not sure how anybody ‘seemingly hosts’ anything, but they’re not even attempting to keep up the pretence that Amorim has suddenly become violent; they don’t need to, we’ve already clicked.
This was actually a returning player ‘tunnel of pain’ scenario which was a Manchester United tradition long before Amorim arrived; he didn’t ‘seemingly host’ it, or initiate it, or take part in any extraordinarily enthusiastic way.
But for the purposes of clicks, he ‘slapped a Manchester United player and pushed another’.
Over at The Sun, they are cracking out the capitals:
Ruben Amorim bizarrely SLAPS Man Utd stars in training as fans joke ‘I hope Luke Shaw doesn’t get injured’
He only ‘bizarrely’ SLAPS somebody if you entirely miss the context. Within this particular scenario it would have been more bizarre had he not slapped anybody.
‘RUBEN AMORIM was caught playfully SLAPPING Manchester United players in a bizarre training session ahead of his Old Trafford debut.’
He wasn’t ‘caught’ doing anything as he was clearly aware the cameras were rolling. And the training session was not ‘bizarre’ as this tunnel business happened at the start as the players entered the pitch. We’re pretty sure they then trained normally.
But there are three wonderful paragraphs from The Sun, who clearly have no words to describe something silly that don’t sound, well, bizarre…
‘The group could be seen laughing and joking before Amorim turned to push Kobbie Mainoo backwards.
‘The former Sporting manager then lovingly launched at Martinez – who was darting away for cover.
‘A beaming Shaw appeared to joke with his new boss before Amorim lovingly urged him off to join Martinez at the start of the line.’
‘Lovingly’? Twice. Listen, if Amorim was slapping Manchester United players ‘lovingly’ in training, then that’s the story…
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How did Liverpool beat the all-conquering Real Madrid?
When not claiming that Ruben Amorim has suddenly turned to violence, the media is creaming over Liverpool’s 2-0 win over Real Madrid. They’re not even a Proper Team, guys.
But Oliver Holt is feeling giddy in the Daily Mail:
‘Liverpool didn’t just beat Carlo Ancelotti’s all-conquering side in this tie: they outclassed them on their way to a 2-0 win that was the absolute minimum they deserved.’
One problem: This was not ‘Carlo Ancelotti’s all-conquering side’. This XI contained only half the outfield players who started the Champions League final just a few months ago. And this ‘all-conquering side’ have now lost three of their last five games and are 24th in the Champions League table. They got tw*tted by Barcelona a few weeks ago.
Here’s Paul Joyce in The Times: ‘The outcome may not send shockwaves around the Continent, not at this stage of the Champions League anyway, but the way a rousing victory was conceived should. Here was Europe’s most dominant team being utterly dominated – and how Anfield savoured the occasion in all its glory.’
It won’t send shock waves around Europe because Real Madrid literally lost to Lille last month before getting battered by first Barcelona and then AC Milan. Real are ‘Europe’s most dominant team’ only in the sense that they have won the most European Cups/Champions Leagues. In this season’s table, they are below Celtic, Feyenoord, Club Brugge and Dinamo Zagreb.
And on the BBC website, where Phil McNulty is never knowingly interesting: ‘Arne Slot can now add banishing memories of some of the most painful episodes in Liverpool’s recent history to his list of achievements in the stunning start to his Anfield tenure.’
Genuinely, can he f***. Liverpool lost two Champions League finals to Real Madrid; we don’t think those memories are magically eradicated by a home win in the fifth of eight Champions League games.
